Fake Birthday!

Ohh theres soo much in my head right now.
I pretty much seem to have submerged my other worldly side into the shadows and conveniently seek tranquility in the this-worldly glimmers such as a birthday party with games (my last since Im turning 21) (yay.) and in an array of 21 baloons in my honor. and a grand total of 5 friends I think!

neway, I have also left reading, have begun swimming and also tend to laugh endlessly on stupid things such as..oh not so stupid by the way. I just don't wish to say.

kher toe its me again. pretty much the same. a little sad and a little happy. a little older and taken by quite the surprise! Im clearly stating it: I do not wish to be 21. Im not fit for it, I swear to you, this is a huge mistake! but to no avail. so in rebellion thereof, i wish to have musical chairs on my birthday and a cake that says 2+1= 3

Y'know Ive never had a big proper birthday ever, like the one that parents initiate...I know my brother had too many...so when I was eleven I had this grand birthday all by myself...I planned the games, the food, the give away presents...the goody bags..all by myself. had fun too. I think. Managed to offend a close friend too cus there weren't as many presents as were the winners! (That's what you get from an eleven year old birthday planner under budget contraints! =p)

But it never felt the way I thought it would. somehow. I guess that explains a lot about my personality : childhood deficiencies coming to surface? hehe no nooo...the part where I plan each and every step to match with those for whom everything is planned yet I am never able to achieve that nonchalace, that blissful happiness that these other kids with "planners" seem to have. Perhaps, Simply because no child can parent herself into blissful innocence!!!

And now I realize..that in trying to conform with other kids' lives, somehwere along the line, I overtook my own childhood and entered the world of the "race for ideals"..where everyone's running but no one's happy, everyone wants what the one ahead of them has but the one farthest ahead is running to reach the finishing line that was never there for it's and idea. An idea of perfect happiness, not R-eal, only I-deal!