Eheheh

Classic example of the unison of "mind" and "body"-Unity Of Purpose!
"Your thoughts are as constipated as Your StomaCh!!!"

And....Serendipity! "Psychosomatic" is the word for this very phenomenon!!!

P.S. Psychosomatic:
Of or relating to a disorder having physical symptoms but originating from mental or emotional causes.

Today is a new day in the history of the cookie monster!

I've decided never to return to my older morbid, restless self again. A new day in history. 26th July.

And Starting afresh I will try and make a conscious effort to over come all my previous fears. Will learn to face them and resolve issues and understand that I am not and cannot be the supreme power in this household! That I have to be kind to people even though they might not directly be in a position to influence my dealings directly or indirectly. Will understand that my existence is not for me but may also play a role in other people's lives, a role that I must respect even in the worst case scenerios!
The new me will be happy. The new me will try and understand with an honest desire to "understand". The new me will be the true me until she stumbles upon another higher level of existence! in another frenzy of intellectual conflict ;]

May Allah guide us all to the right path.

(chorus)I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in.
’cause I got too much life,Running through my veins,
going to waste.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.

"Feel" Robbie Williams

It's strange how easy it is to slip into melancholy. You can think of your miseries for so long into the night, you can stare into the darkness till your head aches, you can sit in front of the computer screen and stare into the unpleasant brightness of its images till the sheer throbbing in your head forces you to find comfort in sleep, in unconsciousness rather...

It's so typically easy to stare at old photographs and to reminisce those days of glory and of the good times. But whatever happened to today? and why blame time? it's actually the state of mind!

I say, the easiest feeling to summon for a human being is that of sadness, depression and melancholy. Simply because there is some sort of sadistic pleasure in self-pity, in blaming that certain someone for all your miseries. Well, let us always remember that it's a merely a facade and that we all must understand that it is so.

A point in passing: I'm seriously short of vocabulary. just hate it.

Grey-Blue Imagery

she aspires to know what she knew not
knowledge unravels in sharp edged crevices of light
she shuns it
but light is everywhere, she says.

the world becomes her play ground
she notices new swings, new stimulators of the intellect
she notices contradictions, disfigured toys
disillusioned in the dark, she struggles for some light
the light once again shows bright glimpses of the night
she quickly looks away to marvel at the intricacies of her toys
the light was always there, she asserts.

her toys break.
the darkness deludes her existence
a heavy light shines through dark recesses
she notices the novelty of the occasion
everything is different in this light
objects that were once her play mates
now seem odd and dispicable

what seemed satiny and supple
was not velvet but a mud puddle
her favourite corner in the playground
was the home of a pithon
and the friends she sought were merely flowers
whose scent would last not long enough to reach her
but it felt so right, she grieves.

she doesn't know if there's turning back
she doesn't know how to fill the gaps
she wonders where to begin retracing
she wonders when she got detracted
she finds it hard to face facts so tainted

But this journey she most definetely began
will end in triumph, one that no one's ever had
she'll find the light before it's too late
Her Creator, she knows, won't lead her astray...

Wants.

Why do the achievements of one become dissapointments of another?
why is there always this need to be on top?
not to be on top but to earn the most praise
to see others do well and be sure to compare
why is comparison so ominous sometimes?
and why compare if it hurts the one who compares?

is it a problem of the modern materialistic world?
asking for intellectual astutenes is one thing and asking for it when u see another have it is another
would we still want fame bad enough if it werent for those movie stars?
does ambition grow upon another person's ability to achieve?
does motivation come from envy?
is that any good?
can evil lead to good?

the need to be praised has become a serious problem. it seems.

I be Junior today.

Just checked my "academic profile". status: junior with a small J as if it were just the same as freshman.
it feels so strange and crazy, exciting and distressing! All at the same time!
Here i was "merely a freshman" or freshie for females ;} but now im a junior..the one that my grammarian Seniors used to be, right before they LEFT LUMS..well maybe not RIGHT before but soon after! My god! i dont want to!!! so today on the "first sighting" of my junior status i hereby list all the things that i will miss about lums all the things that i love about it, my red brick buddy!
today will also be my first for using bullets on blogger!

• the green green grass and the due-yy feel to it when walking at night in ure typical ehsan chapals
• the smell of the library (I cant reallyy remeber wat its like right now but the new wood at the KIC sure smells good!)
• the morning smell of the academic block
• the mist in winters that makes me feel so proud of my navigation skills that take me to the superstore from the academic block by default!
• the superstore people.
• raju and reema's friendship. hai. but no friends, strictly keeping it to lums.
• stalking "the-one-who-must-not-be-named" and calling it "findingnemo"
• Treading nemo's expected path in hope of a new day. (again, Lets not go there!)
• The DRs. thanda kamra!
• e-lab, printronix the annoying zing, and the lovely laser printer that we discovered (about a year and a half later)was not free like the air conditioning so it became even more ofa luxury to print the lovely prints from it.
• so here's to the expenses @ lums!
• the mango milkshake in the scorching heat of the summer quarter
• the lemonade and its inflationary defects.
• nooodles!!! go indonesia!!!! indo-mei noodles!!! also a victim of rising inflation!
• umm..rikhsha ride away from the miseries of the orientation sessions!
• no more riksha rides due to my changing moral tendencies =p!!!
• staying the night at sir kamaludins for sehri...namaaz e tasbeeh (my first) [sigh!]
• The short ride back home after a loong tiring day....the street lights dim in empathy or so it feels!
• the long road into phase five with its brilliant street lights standing like ambitious athletes holding mashals to light the way! (maybe i got a little carried away! sigh.)
• the labs and the password...and the sheer uselessness of the notices outside saying; "food and drinks are forbidden in the lab" ----> wahahah. no! u kidding me? lol
• umm..the raaain and the wildness in the central courtyard and the road outside pdc
• oh the pdc and its yucky smell..and the fact that its beeing constructed in front of me..all big and good looking now
• ah the foot ball field that has presently been dug over..but was once our good weather haven!
• the masjid...jumma prayers..my retreat!
• the library dude..and the tension in the place during the dead week
• the gate.that big black gate that spells victory!
• the entrance, which i drove over never again to be seen behind the wheel inside lums as punishment!
• the road that ive walked in times of transport crisis..be it winter or the sun!
  
  will continue though i still havent been able to pick out those few things that have changed my life...cant seem to place my finger on just what ill miss the most...

The Answers are where we prefer not to Look!

So I swear by the setting of the stars.And verily, that is indeed a great oath, if you but knowThat (this) is indeed an honourable recitation (the Noble Quran). In a Book well guarded (with Allah in the heaven, i.e. Al – Lauh Al Mahfuz)Which (that book with Allah) none can touch but the purified (i.e. the angels).A revelation (this Quran) from the Lord of the Alamin (Mankind, jinn and all that exists).Is it such a talk (this Quran) that you (disbelievers) deny?

And instead (of thanking Allah) for the provision He gives you, you deny (Him By disbelief)!Then why do you not (intervene) when (the soul of the dying person) reaches the throat?And you at the moment are looking on,But We (i.e. Our angels who take the soul) are nearer to him than you, but you see not,Then why do you not if you are exempt from the reckoning and recompense (punishment) Bring back the soul (to its body), if you are truthful?(Al Waqiah – verses 75-87)

The words made me shiver, they were so accurate.This is the absolute Truth with certainty, how many of us really believe that. Allah shows us His signs in the universe and in our own selves till it becomes manifest to us that the Quran is the absolute Haq.This is the reality behind sudden tragedies. They occur to remind us of our extreme helplessness and the brevity of our life. They force us to reevaluate our priorities. To remember that each one of us must use our special talents to better serve the creator to whom we must return one day. Yet, we live in denial - torn by doubts and differences. We wile away precious moments with self defeating conversations and vain pursuits. We turn to sources less authentic and incomplete to feed our curiosity. The confusion multiplies.

(A post on orkut.....dedicated to the life of a 17 year old girl who died, 4th march 2005)

The way it feels, sometimes!

SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
-Lifehouse

I can't be losing sleepover this,
no I can't
and now I cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing
cause I cannot stand stillI can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening this is over my head
but underneath my feetcause by tomorrow morning
I'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy cause I'm waiting for tonigh
tand then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
don't be surprised if I collapse
down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
cause I cannot stand
can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening, yeah cause I
'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Souza

If you want to be happy, be.
leo tolstoy

When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

'be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and...try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke

About People

Why is it that certain times of the day feel the way they do. when u can think of nothing but all the things that you don't have? And were someone to ask you to consider what you have, you'd look down, look up and say "Haaan naa but..." or maybe " Yea Youre right" but deep inside you know it's not enough! because maybe it isn't.maybe it REALLy isn't. Happiness for me is in "peace of mind" that is quite unavailable these days...and I don't see it coming through material things...then where from?
Sometimes people can make all the difference: the presence or absence of "certain people"! But one should also understand that another soul cannot possibly be more important than your own! Then why do we put our soul through the misery and drudgery of the continuous remembrance of the absence of another? Who's worth what? And How will U know? I say: "every man for himself" (Hoobastank it turns out to be!) i.e. if ure not happy alone, u aint gonna be happy ever and if u tell me thats not possible then i believe ure terribly mistaken because here's the logic:
if u cant admire ureself, if u cant love ureself in isolation, how can u expect others to admire u? its a vicious cycle..since everyone wants their bit of happiness from another...
Theres a catch in this vicious cycle and that is the temptation and the ultimate consolation of Self Pity!!!!
sadness->Self Pity-> Blame Game->jealousy of people apparently outside the cycle-> sadness (i.e. back to square one!)
I say: Boredom-> Read-some-> become a better person->go out, eat-some-> come back and maybe read-some-more! no no, bad theory..turns out we DO need people!
It is here that I'm forced to think of the soul as an entity and also the ease with which we tend to run after everything the brain points towards and somewhere along the line, reality slips away and all we seem to be doing is playing with insttruments, completely oblivious to the patient that lays there restless and in pain. and somehow this pain and restlessness reminds me of the soul inside of me, my patient.
Some days, all this seems so clear and simple that just the thought of it being so simple makes it dubious. But one thing is for sure, when people leave your side, once the party's over and you're cleaning up after the fun...He is invariably there, to hoist u above turbulent seas, to pump up saddened spirits but we're only too quick to wriggle out of that confort and rush back into the same old drudge like a child pushes away her mother once her tears are dry and she finds something new to pin her hopes upon...only to graple again in the dark for the warmth of her embrace...
I just fear it be too late, that one day that embrace shuns me..or you...and that we long for it to return but are only met with gloom...
This confidence that it won't be anytime soon, is like a child's confidence in the clear ocean...who knows when it rises high enough to engulf whole continents? who knows?

Sometimes "freedom fighting" makes me wonder how bad i want it..y know guilty conscience telling u its not worth it
and before u know..the time's come and gone!

Fake Birthday!

Ohh theres soo much in my head right now.
I pretty much seem to have submerged my other worldly side into the shadows and conveniently seek tranquility in the this-worldly glimmers such as a birthday party with games (my last since Im turning 21) (yay.) and in an array of 21 baloons in my honor. and a grand total of 5 friends I think!

neway, I have also left reading, have begun swimming and also tend to laugh endlessly on stupid things such as..oh not so stupid by the way. I just don't wish to say.

kher toe its me again. pretty much the same. a little sad and a little happy. a little older and taken by quite the surprise! Im clearly stating it: I do not wish to be 21. Im not fit for it, I swear to you, this is a huge mistake! but to no avail. so in rebellion thereof, i wish to have musical chairs on my birthday and a cake that says 2+1= 3

Y'know Ive never had a big proper birthday ever, like the one that parents initiate...I know my brother had too many...so when I was eleven I had this grand birthday all by myself...I planned the games, the food, the give away presents...the goody bags..all by myself. had fun too. I think. Managed to offend a close friend too cus there weren't as many presents as were the winners! (That's what you get from an eleven year old birthday planner under budget contraints! =p)

But it never felt the way I thought it would. somehow. I guess that explains a lot about my personality : childhood deficiencies coming to surface? hehe no nooo...the part where I plan each and every step to match with those for whom everything is planned yet I am never able to achieve that nonchalace, that blissful happiness that these other kids with "planners" seem to have. Perhaps, Simply because no child can parent herself into blissful innocence!!!

And now I realize..that in trying to conform with other kids' lives, somehwere along the line, I overtook my own childhood and entered the world of the "race for ideals"..where everyone's running but no one's happy, everyone wants what the one ahead of them has but the one farthest ahead is running to reach the finishing line that was never there for it's and idea. An idea of perfect happiness, not R-eal, only I-deal!

Savvy Nemo!

Masjid Dha De, Mandir Dhaa De, Dhaa De Jo Kuj Dhendaa
Par Kissay da Dil Na Dhaanvey, Rabb Dilaan Vich Rendaa

-Mia Muhammad

Matt Pooch Keh Kiyaa Haal Hai Mera Teray Peechay
Tu Yeh Dekh Keh Kiya Rangg Hai Tera Meray Agaay
-Ghalib

Dil he Toe Hai, Na Sang O Khisht, Dard Se Bhar Na Ay Kue?
Royain Gey Hum Hazaar Baar, Koi Hamain Satay Kue?

-Ghalib

Lipton hee toe haiii..hmm. LAjawaaab!

About Me

It's funny how orkut says 1 photos.I think the world needs to stop for 15 minutes...think bout itself and just fix itself up...self analysis I tell you.i love rain...its more fascinating than the last time-each time.I dont like football..its not beautiful..only shameful..the dress code n all..I love reema.I love the morning smell..and the smell of mist..and the smell of rain..and only recently the full moon seems beautiful too.I love Hira. somehow,i think shes still mentally in her O levels =pI love the smell of fresh paint in schools...the one they do on the benches..and the wooden tables for little kids right before school opens after summer break...and the smell of stationary...UHU glue,I love UI think Sabby is the best friend one could ever have!Its 11:41 P.MI love old melodramatic nonsensical Hindi songs..."tu hi re,terya binna mein kesay jiyoon" ohhoo Madih isnt the least loved..shes just the least taken care of...Madih has a self rejuvenation system..its brilliant because its 100% walaiti..now in Pakistan..24th onwards actually..she loves Life. Shes a part of me..I cant love my hand now, can I?Parents and grandparents dont fall within the scope of the Orkut Community.Not cool y'know. so ill leave them out...the color white. fascinates me.